Joy of Creation – my childhood music

Joy of Creation is a memory of my past, which I’ve taught myself to deny, forget, or claim it never existed.
Except for when asked a question when did I start making music?
Since I was 4 years old.
And then the fundamental problem arises – none of it is available, so everything relies on whether or not I’m telling the truth.
The secret is – I don’t want you to know the truth.
Why?
I’ve spent my entire childhood making music that everyone hated, it was never accepted and it was the reason why I was constantly under pressure from the worst people imaginable.
Imagine this – nine year old me making music, happy with what I’ve made I show it to the world.
The result is endless moments in the psychiatrists office, bad grades, face in the snow surrounded by gopniks. Forget any sense of humanity, I never got any bit of affection or acceptance, and later on failed to notice any attempt at that.
Because this past required me to become ridiculously defensive – my initial response is usually a full on attack, even if I’m not threatened.
That’s because my wish to speak, always ended up being manipulated by, to make me a mascot of what is pathetic.
Up until I learnt how to break arms and throw chairs at people.
Then I was left alone.
*Carl Jung intensifies*
Which leads me to this – I’ve spent several years tearing myself apart to not procrastinate and finish dealing with what I’ve forgot, which operates me from the shadows.
This was my happiness, in the world which didn’t allow me to smile.
Most of it was lost, corrupted, discarded or burnt in a fire. When faced with actual meaninglessness, it led me to start Contradiction Sequence as Number Eleven, at age 15, after a 3 year gap.
Why do, for fucks sake, I am even aware of myself, in the world that we live? Just get some beers, go work, get some nice and fuck, repeat.

Nah, insomnia. 10 hours of sleep a week. The subconscious would cry, like you’d never seen within a crowbar wielding host making things right. You don’t know grief until you’ve been afraid of yourself, if you’ve lost your faith.
The rescue mission.
So I spent the last five years learning data recovery, rescuing CD’s and USB drives, putting it back all together, doing actual black magic with audio restoration and making it the best it could’ve been.
8 hours of completely unlistenable garbage, that has taught me joy, because everyone is consumed by “nice and fuck”.
8 hours of the best music I could’ve ever made, because it was pure pleasure in the form of exploration and discovery.
Including the psychoanalytical text I’ve written while listening to these tracks and bringing the memories back. You could consider it my childhood diary that I’ve never had.
The text will make you angry and depressed, like I was. But it contains the joy that was lost.
And when I knew what I’ve lost, I knew exactly what to do.
Hear where?
The release will be split into 8 albums every week, released each Monday, on Electron Emitter, starting November 11th, 2024.
The text, will be released in parts, on numbereleven.lt, and available as a whole, after the last of them will be released on December 30th.
This entire project will be released under my non-alter-ego project Au.B.
And if you’re lost in life, unable to do things that you like, may this be the thing that shines light on what might’ve happened in your head, when you were a kid.
I will state again – that text will make you angry and depressed, like I was. But then you know what to do.
And if you are, or know of someone going through a similar experience – reach out.
Why do all of this?
Having trouble accepting the fact that I’ve actually decided to not only release the music, but everything about it and stay as honest as possible.
There are multiple reasons, or „justifications” for it, but the main one is that I feel the responsibility for actually having something to say.
Once we started Electron Emitter, I’ve got to know a lot of musicians and got familiar with our music culture.
Unlike most, I’m living far outside of town and I refused to participate in the social media vortex. I knew how the internet, the phones and the feeling of being „connected” affects your psyche.
The past that I’ve had, reinforced my refusal to be controlled by the aforementioned, or any other channel for „identity formation”, like politics or the news. I knew how it works.
As I’ve spent time with people, I began to notice that I’m not the only one being held together by gaffer tape and energy drinks.

Part of the picture is just obstructed, rather than lost. And monochrome.
And when covid hit, oh my, did we pop a bubble of garbage, once everyone could no longer go to a coping party. Suddenly everyone’s ringing their sirens, loneliness, addictions, doomscrolling, memes, we’re all gonna die alone!!! aaaa
Self-help industry is currently browsing for used barges to transport their money.
Here’s a list of whyies:
- It could be an explanation for your feelings.
I’m not the only one who has went through this type of garbage in childhood.
Just as the others, I denied it for long enough to forget it. I literally could not recall anything about it, as if my access to the memories was denied by my subconscious. „I don’t know how I feel” example.
You may not have 110+ tracks of your past to remind yourself of it, and see what kind of traumas (or wrong lessons) you’ve learnt and how they develop.
More than half of the artists and great talents that I’ve got to know, have this exact issue as an obstacle towards their Magnum Opus. Some talents drown themselves in drugs, the others are crippled by the omni-present feelings of shame or placelessness. Me too.
So, I’ll repeat – if you are completely lost, reach out. I’ll do my best (reason 4). I don’t bite, but I am an INTJ, so beware – I’m not known for my big heart thing. I will actually attempt to solve your problem. - This is not made to promote any sort of „identity” the self-help industry would sell for profit.
Which means you get a different perspective for introspection, compared to the people who found your misery can be monetized, or even used to pull you into an „identity” that would allow them to propagate certain beliefs, ideologies, or extremisms.
Here’s a joke that isn’t funny – if you are so „industrial” and make dark shit because the world is wrong, you are already a result of identity formation, in order to break people apart.
It’s you, now, debilitated and anxious about the „injustice”, becoming a vehicle to transport hatred towards a certain group of people – idiots.
It’s not their fault they got battered their ability to think, or being born with a cauliflower instead of a brain. How can YOU, with your GRAET BRAEIN guide the people, who submit to control? - This could be used (and is already, but it’s classified) to study the development of thought formation.
Including the development of certain habits, thought patterns and disasociation in children exposed to negative reinforcement, or trauma.
The text that I’ve written is not a scientific study, so it’s more digestable as an „art piece” rather than a scientific paper, which none of us would read in a bad mood.
I’m releasing it under Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial as usual. Do what you want with it. - I’ve been asked to.
Several times. Some people have heard my childhood music, before it became Joy of Creation. They pushed me to do this, because they said this would be a sick project to do.
Yes, thanks m80s. - It will make me accept the past whether I like it or not.
Everyone’s going to know about it, so I will have to find a way how to work it through.
The fact that I’m releasing it, doesn’t mean that I have dealt with it.
I don’t have an answer like „do this” and see how I can talk about it like it’s nothing.
It’s not painful to do it, but it feels derogatorious and as-if-pretentious.
I only got back my joy. The rest remains.
What happens next, I don’t know. - I don’t know what’s going to happen because of it.
I’m curious. Everything that happened up to this moment didn’t work.
Or maybe it did, because I ended up in this moment.
Okay enough feelings.
Raeds even moar haer – https://www.electronemitter.net/artists/aub/
Special thanks to:
Asta Jočienė – my mum, for not throwing the “Nuclear Good Musics” CD away upon my requests.
Martynas Jočys – my brother, my inspiration, the reason why I started making music and then helping me every step of the way. Also known as eww.
Marius Paulikas – my colleague, for helping with the photography and design of the most least conceptual covers ever.